I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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