Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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