theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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