He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
