Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
