there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
