so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
