happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
