im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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