Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
God I need to hump something, right now.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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