I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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