she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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