My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
