I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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