So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
