Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize