Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
