My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
