There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
