Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
