when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
