doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
