R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
