Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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