What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
