We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
NoShamevember. You game?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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