4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
