I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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