just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
the raccoons are back...
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