Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
