Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
