i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
