Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize