maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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