I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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