I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
