The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
