It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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