and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
