new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
