OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
