Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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