Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
