I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
