On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
