i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
