Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
