i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
