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The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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