Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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