Can i not drive my cunt home
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
