Tell her she can't have a vagina
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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