Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Randomize
