Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
