Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize