I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
