U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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