My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
