Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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