OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
