Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
